Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
