he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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