You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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