i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize