Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
