By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
