there's paper in my vomit.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize