I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
