the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
