I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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