I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
