i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
