if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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