After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
