these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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