My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He passed out mid-signature
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
