Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
