And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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