in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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