I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
They took my balls.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
