At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
