Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize