i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
