don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
