so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
