Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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