At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You did what with his pubic hair?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
