doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I AM VODKA MAN
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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