Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
