Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
