Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
