i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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