Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize