He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
