I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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