Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
