Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm too high and old for this...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
