Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My bed smells like the plague
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
