I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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