Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize