Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
