I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Houston, we have a squirter
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
