My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize