It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
