woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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