The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
