Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
