my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
