The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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