Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
