I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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