Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
