even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Randomize
