2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize