I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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