I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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