Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
