Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
