i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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