My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
