Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize